I am hungry!!!

 So I am HUNGRY… That’s all I can really say about that.  I am doing well and have lost 30 pounds, now I know I wouldn’t have lost that weight without the surgery, but being 5 weeks out, I feel I should have lost more by now. 

 The nutritionist tells me I’m eating too much, I have yet to go past 800 calories but yet she says I’m eating too many “small meals” and has now told me I must consume 3 meals a day 15g of protein at each meal, and 2 snacks a day. Veggies are 3x a week and no bread, carbs or pasta for at least 3 months. 

 The problem is I am truly hungry, or at least I feel I am.  I do believe a lot of this has to do with my mind and my old habits.  When I eat, I can only fit in a 3oz or so, and I feel super full, I just wish that feeling of fullness lasted a lot longer than it does.  I also believe that not drinking enough is making this harder.  I don’t drink all day and probably not getting all the fluids I should be getting in. 

 At times I feel great, and I feel like I’m going to do this and win the battle and at times I feel like I’m in a slump, I have stalled at 30 and haven’t lost a pound in almost a week.  I do start to notice that for one I’m getting a lot of compliments, the funny thing is, not many will say its weight loss, because it’s not enough to say “wow” just yet. But I will get things like “you look pretty today” or “you look different, did you do your hair?” I had one person say “you’re melting away” and it felt good to hear it, even though I do not see it.  I have had a few changes that have shown me a change. For one, a ring that I couldn’t wear for the last 3 years slipped right on my finger, and a denim skirt that I love from 6 years ago, fits once again.  Other than that, I don’t see any clothes falling off of me just yet. 

 Do I regret my decision?  Not at all, this is the best thing I could have done for myself, and even though I am suffering now a little with the hunger pangs, I know this will be the healthiest decision I could have ever made for myself.  I will also say that anyone who says this is the “easy way out” has no idea what they are talking about.  The fact that my stomach is smaller doesn’t change the fact that my eyes are bigger than my stomach, as a matter of fact, because my stomach is so small, it only makes my eyes even bigger.  I still have cravings, and I still find that old habits, try to creep in.  As I sit here my entire family is asleep, and I’m sitting at my computer, usually this is when I would start my binging of junk.  First, it would be pretzels, then chips, then maybe a soda.  Now the thought of eating those things scares the shit out of me, because I know they will make me sick. However, I still feel the hunger for them, and I still wish I can do it.   There is nothing easy about this, but what it does do is gives us no choice.  Like a drug addict in rehab, they wanna use, but they just can’t, and that’s sort of how I feel.  When I make it though the cravings and drink drink, drink my water, I feel somewhat empowered.

 No I do not regret this decision for a minute, but YES I wish I could have had more will power in my life, to not have gotten to this point.  None the less I will do this!! I will win!! And I will come out a healthier and better me!!

 Thanks for reading ❤

I have crossed over to the other side!!!

I am 7 days post op and I can not believe I am sleeved and sitting here writing this post.  I apologize for not writing sooner, but I was dealing with coming home to 2 children and being extra cautious not to over do it.  

So the night before surgery, I said goodbye to my kids because I was leaving super early the next morning.  I cried and cried for hours, and couldn’t figure out exactly what it was that was making me cry.  I asked myself over and over “is this what you really want?” “is this what you really need” and both times I answered YES.  I took my shower, I laid down and tossed and turned all night thinking about what I was going to do. I found that I didn’t say two words to my husband, which I should have, but I never thought for a second that he may be scared or concerned, because I was too overwhelmed with my own emotions. I finally fell asleep around 3 a.m. 

So I woke up 6 am and got dressed, and we headed over to the hospital.  I had the surgery at St. Francis Hospital in Roslyn Ny, which I have to say gave the most amazing support, I never met a staff of nurses that were so dedicated and concerned for their patients, so here’s a shout out to 1E at St. Francis.   We arrived at the hospital and within 10 minutes I was taken back to the pre-surgical room and my husband was told to wait outside until I was settled and they would come get him.  I changed into my gown, and lay on the bed, and that’s when I lost it.  I was sobbing like a child; I couldn’t control or hold back what I was feeling at this point.  The head of the bariatric department walked over to me and listened to everything I was babbling out, she was so warm and compassionate and assured me that what I was feeling was normal and expected.  I wasn’t scared of the surgery, or my decision, I was scared of loosing who I am, and I can’t loose who I am, if I stay true to myself.  I sent a text to my husband out in the waiting room just telling him how I felt, that I loved him, that I love our family, our life and that I had to make this change for me and only me.  He responded that he loved me either way and as long this was for me, he would continue to support me.  That let me know I was ok to go ahead, and that I would be fine.   

I woke up from surgery and heavily sedated.  I felt spaced out and could not believe how well I actually felt considering what I had just been through.  I was still heavily drugged up and I remember my mom looking weird and I chuckled.  The nurses in the PAC had me up and walking within the hour.  I felt a little sore, but I walked the hallway 1 time around and laid down again, they had me walk it again a little while after and I was then sent to my room.  That whole day and night was a blur of kind because the nurses were in and out every few minutes, and then they told me that I would be woken up and had to walk every 2 hours all day and all night long.  They meant it, all night and all day every 2 hours like clock work they were there to get me to walk, needless to say there wasn’t much sleeping, but it was ok because the pain from the gas that is pumped into me during surgery was so painful, that I wouldn’t have slept anyway.  That is by far the most painful thing I felt, it hurt pretty bad and nothing I did was really helping, when I walked it moved up to my chest and almost felt like I couldn’t breathe.  

The next morning, they took me down for the flora test and it was nasty, but i managed to get it down and passed it with no problems.  I was sent back to my room and was brought, butternut squash soup, tea, and cottage cheese.  I was so scared to eat, but knew I had to do it. So I took 1 bite of the cottage cheese, and felt fine, 1 sip of the soup, it was fine, and then sipped on the tea, once it cooled off, till I was done. My doctor makes us leave the hospital on a pureed diet and with that I did better than I could ever have expected, the only complaint I had was the heaviness i felt in my chest and back from the gas.  So they discharged me and sent me home.  Right before they discharged me, they wanted to weight me. Usually in the past, my husband was not allowed to stay in the room with me, this time I didn’t care.  It was liberating after being with him for 20 years to say this is what I weight, he didn’t flinch. I was down 8 pounds from when I started the pre-op liquid diet.  Once home the only thing I did was drink and drink I never ate anything else. 

The next morning I made myself a protein shake and I was so impressed with myself, I finished it in less than a 1/2 hour.  I kept wondering if that is normal, the only thing I was experiencing was massive pains every time I swallowed.  The pain would shoot up my back, and I can feel gas bubbles making their way up my stomach to my esophagus, and then the air bubbles would clear my throat and the pain went away, it didn’t have with every sip, but I think I was sipping too fast, because it happened with a few sips. Later that day I tried some soup, and it was fine as well (except again the pain in my back), I kept walking and walking and drinking and drinking. I was so afraid I would get dehydrated that I was counting every ounce I got in. I managed to do this for the rest of the weekend and although I was eating the slightest amount, I felt fine.  On Sunday which was 4 days post op my husband drove me to buy a scale, he didn’t want me to go, but I needed to get out of my house, and the walking made me feel so much better.  I got home and like a little kid couldn’t wait to jump on the scale, I was shocked that I had lost 14 pounds total, so 6 in 4 days since I was discharged from the hospital. 

This takes us to today, day 7.  I am able to drink with no problem whatsoever, I almost can gulp which I know I shouldn’t but I can drink with little to no discomfort.  Eating is a challenge, and learning that point of “fullness” has to be learned.  I find the denser the protein the fuller for longer I will feel.  So if I have chicken (puréed) and some cottage cheese I am full faster (maybe 2 teaspoons or so) where’s I can have a whole yogurt, if I wait between each spoonful.  Yesterday and today I am hungrier, but I also notice I’m not really drinking nearly as much as I can.  Dinner is always harder, because it is a more dense protein (such as chicken) and I can eat much slower, I get full very quickly and the fullness last much longer.  

So how am I doing? Ok, honestly much better than I could have ever imagined.  Am I uncomfortable at times, YES.  Have I had situations where something I used to love was in front of me? YES……… like pretzels, that was hard to fight off, but I had no choice, and you will find that eventually as hard as that moment seems, it does pass.  I haven’t lost anything since Sunday and hope that my ability to drink or eat is not hindering anything, but I have my first post-op appointment tomorrow so we will see what the dr. says.   

So I’m sorry if this post was a little boring, but for those who are having surgery I tried to give the play by play.  I know we heard this 100 times but it’s very wise advice after surgery to SIP SIP SIP and WALK WALK WALK. 

Tomorrow is THE day….

I sit here with all these emotions today. I know so many people think I am crazy and that i’m taking the “easy way” out. I know some talk out of fear, some out of insecurities and some out of ignorance.  But I can’t shake the nerves I have inside. I can’t explain how I feel. I know I have to do this, but I’m scared.  I am Scared of the unknown.  I wonder and hope that it all goes well.  I look at my children and pray that nothing happens to me. I don’t’ want to regret this and say “what did I do to myself?”, I don’t want to regret this life changing decisions.  I keep wondering if I can change it on my own, but I know deep down I don’t’ have it in me to do so.  I don’t have that will power to just stop at 1 burger, or 1 cup of something, I do everything in excess till I feel like a stuffed pig, and sometimes I catch myself eating an apple after I’m stuffed and laugh at myself, because I literally see a stuffed pig with an apple in it’s mouth.    

I wonder often who I will become. My weight has been my identity for a long time (or at least it feels that way).  I have always been told my face lights up a room when I walk in, I always took that as my “fat” face looks like a moon.  There are people I would love to say “hey let’s catch up over coffee” and I don’t’ because I haven’t’ seen them in a long time and I don’t want them to see how fat I am.  I don’t pictures with my kids because I don’t want to ruin the picture with me in it.  The list is endless of the self torture I have put myself through.  I made this decision for all the right reasons, so why am I so nervous???  

Then I think of my husband, who has always accepted me for who and what I am.  How will this change us?  How will he see me when the weight is off and the excess skin is there?  I don’t know what I am feeling anymore.  My mind is racing all over the place, and I have 2 little kids that think there going on vacation while i”m in the hospital.  I cant think straight anymore, my mind is literally all over the place today.  

So today is the last day.  I bid myself farewell, so long to the Clara that will ever feel uncomfortable in her own skin.  So long to Clara that dreaded seeing old friends, so long to Clara who hates summers because my knees will be exposed. So long to the girl who would only wear shorts passed the knees, knee length skirts in a pool. So long to the girl who was called names growing up because I was a fat kid.  So long to me I wave goodbye as I cry because I am afraid of how happy I can be.   I truly feel like I’m mourning who I am leaving behind, despite all these things I say goodbye to I have always been funny and witty and smart.  I hope I don’t leave that girl behind.  

I have support and I have resistant, but even those that resist have supported me I will come out of this a stronger and healthier person.  I will start my life over and do things I wanted to.  Thanks to all who supported me and those who don’t, I’m sorry you saw my decision is a bad one, I can only pray that I can prove you wrong.  

Today is the last day as life as I know it…………

Tomorrow, April 9th, 2014 is the beginning of a new life for me.  I start my two week liquid diet before my gastric sleeve surgery on the 23rd.  I am a little nervous, how can I survive the next two weeks on protein shakes and just liquids?  But I am also excited, as I know its one step closer to that day.  As time gets closer, I realize more and more how real this is about to get.  My life will change forever, and it’s very scary and overwhelming at times.  I can’t help but think about this all day everyday, and dream of a skinnier, healthier me at the same time.  So I wanted to have something that I really crave today, and I couldn’t think of what it was that I wanted, but after much thought I have figured out that I want a bbq medium rare steak with mash potatoes and salad.  I will keep you updated on what it is I’m feeling, but I can say that life is getting very interesting for me. 

I am going to find time today to take some pictures of myself, so that I have them later to compare.  So raise your glass to me, and the positive changes that are about to take place!! 

My decisions and fears

The choice to have surgery all came about in less than a month’s time.  I believe it truly is a sign when everything falls into place, just as it is supposed to.  From seeing the surgeon, to getting all my doctor clearances took less than 2 weeks.  I have one last appointment with my surgeon and I will be given a date.  The first 2 weeks were filled with excitement, euphoria and anticipation.  This week I find I am looking deeper into reasons, issues, anxieties and fears I am having. I look at food a little differently, in that I am afraid I will never have them again.  These are called “food funerals”.

So the last couple of days, I have noticed more things around me.  I did a lot of spring cleaning and clearing out a lot of junk in my basement.  When I was done, I came upstairs opened the refrigerator and guzzled down a cold ice bottle of water, that felt so refreshing It gave me a second wind to keep going, and then it hit me.  I probably will not be able to ever guzzle down a cold ice bottle of water again!  It made me sad, what will I do in the heat of summer when I’m used to drinking down bottles of cold water.  I felt sadness in the pit of my stomach, as to say, “So now I can’t even drink”.   Later that day, my son was eating lunch,  on his plate were grapes and fruit, so I started to eat the grapes, and enjoyed every single one that went into my mouth and then I stopped because I thought I can’t just pick up fruit just anytime I want anymore.  Now I was really obsessing over what I will and won’t and can and can’t eat again.  I started to realize, that the recovery will be rough, this wont’ be simple, and I am starting to get worried and scared.   I know eventually after the stomach heals, I can go back to eating all these things, and although I may not be able to guzzle down a bottle of water, I know I can drink water.  Something is suddenly making me re-think the whole process and I can’t stop asking myself if I will be ok.

If you are wondering if I will cancel my appointment, honestly my answer would be no.  There is something in my gut telling me I have no choice and that this is what I have to do and I will be fine.  My mind races much further ahead and gives me all these doubts.  I have to keep reminding myself that I decided to do this, not because I felt like do it, but because of the necessity of it.  My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, I have no energy ever, I have high cholesterol, I have 2 children that I want to enjoy, I want to be able to feel good about myself, and not hide or be embarrassed.  I want to live again, I want to feel great, and pretty, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I want to get out of sweats and t-shirts; I want to stop ripping size tags off my shirts, so people won’t see it’s a 2 or 3 xs.  I want to be able to wear heels without my feet killing me, because the pressure of my weight makes them hurt.  I don’t’ want to feel that I will break my bed if I jump on it.  I don’t’ want to feel embarrassed when my daughter asks me to go on a bumper car with her, and I feel I won’t fit in it with her next to me.  I don’t want to be the one wearing a skirt to the beach, because I won’t wear anything short, or in my pool as well.  I don’t want to be the one at the family reunion with 40 people and being the “biggest” one there. 

I am aware that most of these things are things that only I would notice.  Most people won’t pay that much attention to notice what I am talking about, but I do, and I see it and feel it and hate how that feels.  I know what these things feel like, or being in a crowd outside waiting for my daughter to get out of school, and feeling that I am the biggest mom there and hating that I may one day be an embarrassment to my daughter.  When my daughter was in kindergarten we were at a child’s birthday party, my daughter came up to me and asked me if I was fat.   I asked her where she heard that word, and that we are not allowed to say fat, she explained that one of her friends told her “why is your mom fat?”  This broke my heart and I cried over that. I was not upset with her friend, these kids are 5 years old, and they don’t know any better and are only speaking the truth.  But these are the things that have eaten away at me for years, or for lack of a better term have caused me to eat away at myself.  Instead of processing these feelings, I would eat them away.

Nobody in my immediate family has any idea what being overweight is like.  My entire family (brother, sister, parents, in-laws) everyone is skinny and always have been.  To them being 10 pounds overweight is a big deal.  My Aunt, who has truly always been like a second mother to me, and absolutely my best friend since I was a child, is probably the only person that can relate to me, with being overweight.  She has lost the weight on her own, and I know she is the type of person who is dedicated and can achieve this goal on her own.  For me, I have no will power; I need this boost to get me started.  I have vowed that I will stay in therapy while loosing the weight.  I will find my demons, and rid myself of them, before I am able to eat everything again, so that I won’t regain the weight.  I will see the nutritionist weekly to insure that I am making the right choices.  I don’t want to do this; I feel more that I have to do this.  I am turning 40 in December and I want to celebrate my life as a rebirth.   I will be FF, Forty and Fabulous!!!!!  I deserve it, and I will work my butt off to achieve it.

My Journey has begun

I made an appointment with my surgeon on March 3rd. I had done a lot of research and had a page and half of questions to ask. I wasn’t sure if I was scared of gastric sleeve, or intrigued by it, so I went in knowing I did not want gastric bypass, and not sure if gastric sleeve, or lap band.

I walked into the waiting room, expecting to see severely obese people, and instead it was filled of people who looked just like me. The only different person there was my friend, who is 6 feet tall and slim. I can only imagine what the rest of the people in that office thought of her. Either they thought she was nuts for being there, or (and this is the most probably one) that she was a patient who already had the surgery done LOL. She is my dear friend, and she along with other great friends is very supportive, and concerned.

I met with the surgeon and I felt pretty comfortable with him, he explained the process, details and recovery process. I was excited, and felt that this was just going to be amazing. When I stepped on the scale in his office, I didn’t feel ashamed, or sad. I felt like I had taken the scale and beat it down; as if this is the last time you will make me feel belittled, or defeated, not this time. I was given a list of 5 doctors to see, all that had to approve my surgery and clear me for it, without all these doctors approvals, I could not be cleared. I left feeing empowered. Now I was going to start to talk to my family and explain what I was about to embark on. The first person I was going to talk to was my husband. I explained to him what I was thinking, and the information I had gathered. In the typical fashion that my husband is, he told me it was my decision and that he didn’t see the point, but I was free to choose, as I wanted. I next spoke to my mother; she was the hardest one to convince that this would be ok, so I thought. I told my mother, and she supported it from the beginning. As a mother, you always want your children to be healthy and happy, and I guess she figured it would be now or never, since she has seen my frustrations for years. The rest of my family, well, I can’t say I got the support I really wanted. I didn’t get bad support, I got the usual and expected comments, “you’re crazy”, “this is the easy way out”, “and you have no will power”. I know they mean that if I put my head to it, I can do this on my own. What they don’t understand is if I could do this on my own, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I sat down the next day and made all the necessary appointments for the clearances I need for surgery.  I was able to make all my appointments in one week.  The more people I tell about the surgery, the more mixed reviews I get.  People have to understand, that until you have been heavy, until you have felt disappointment and disgust with yourself, you can never imagine how desperate and defeated you feel.  Most people I talk to, will tell you that I use the word defeated a lot.  It’s the best word I can think of that describes how I feel.  Having to loose 100 pounds is a huge challenge and not one that I can see me doing on my own.  I have tried so many other things, and nothing seems to work.  Food is my friend, lover, psychologist, and I am my judge.  Every thing in life revolves around food, especially in my world.  I know this is far from an easy fix, or a quick fix.  I will face challenges each day when it comes to food.  I am going to have to find another way to deal with my sadness, joy and anger.  I will have to find another outlet to my frustrations; I will have this surgery as a new birth to me.  I will loose the weight and I will for the first time in my life, learn how to control what I put in my mouth, and not let the food control me.  I will learn how to cope with stressful situations, by soothing my soul, body and mind, rather than letting food, sooth my tummy and give me a quick fix.  I will allow myself to be in control of my life. 

I truly am tired of living this way.  As each passes by, I am more and more excited about doing it.  I want to start this process and get moving I want this to be my year for me!!  I will give myself a goal, by December 29^th of 2014 for my fortieth birthday I want to loose 60 pounds.  If I reach that goal, I will be overjoyed, if I don’t then I will have to work harder, either way I will never ever, see this current weight again!

Being the “fat” one is never any fun

Nobody ever wants to be the “fat” one. Growing up, I was always the biggest one in my immediate family. At an early age, I developed a great sense of humor, one that allowed me to make fun of myself, while finding great distractions for others to laugh at. This sense of humor, made the “fun” person in the crowd. Everyone always thought I was hysterical, and I quickly became popular with a lot of kids and crowds. As an adult, I was able to keep this great attitude, and till this day, have many loved friends and family who think I’m a great person for laughs.

The truth deep down is not actually funny, but in a sense very sad. I would like to start, by saying, that I love being the funny person I am. I love even more, that I have brightened up some people’s lives during their very sad times. I have been blessed to be told “Thank you” many times over, for cheering a person up, or making someone feel happy again. I do believe that God gives us things in life that we don’t see until our eyes are opened to it. I love that I was given this great sense of life, and given the gift of laughter. However, deep down in my soul, I know there is a little girl crying to be free from this body she was put in. I know many believe, I did this to myself and they are right, I did. I know people believe, I have no will power, and to a point I agree. What people don’t realize is that sometimes it takes a lot more will power than we are given. When people hear of a person addicted to drugs, they feel bad during their detox. As they watch a drug addict or an alcoholic go through the detox, they feel terrible and the person seems helpless and weak and succumbed to the disease of drug/alcohol addiction. If we see a gambler, loose everything and cry from the desperation, we feel bad that they have lost everything. When a person see’s someone over weight, they snicker, and say how weak that person is, how disgusting they are for “letting themselves go” or laugh even harder, when they don’t fit in a chair, get stuck in a bumper car, or can’t get out of a car.

It has been said before that being obese is a disease. I have never considered myself to be a “big” eater. To me being a big eater, means huge size portions, lots of fast food, eating bon bon’s out of the box, eating a gallon if ice cream straight from the container. I have learned quickly that I am a big eater, and I don’t do any of those things I just listed. Instead I just eat chips, pasta, and bread, cookies, crackers, pretzels, and soda and ice tea. It’s not till I got on that scale and realized I am the image of an obese person. I felt defeated before I even thought of starting yet another diet. I cried for a long time, and swore this time would be different. I kept telling myself “Clara, if you can quit smoking cold turkey after 20 years, you can surely do this”, the only problem was I was eating bread and cheese as I was telling myself this. The next morning I started, by weighting my food, and when what I saw 2oz, looked like, I added more, but still only wrote 2 oz. I did the same thing for lunch, I also didn’t write down the snacks I was having in between. I guess in my mind, if I do not have to write it and see it, then I guess it never happened. One night while sitting in front of my computer, and I was eating a box of chocolates that were on my diet as 2 points a piece, I realized I am not cheating anyone but myself. I am fooling myself. I am thinking that I’m only 39 and it will come off eventually, right? I can’t stay like this forever can I? I can’t actually hit 300 pounds right? So I continued to not write everything I should and went for a weigh in 2 weeks later, why was I SHOCKED that I gained 5 more pounds. I could not sit through that meeting, I felt choked up, like I was suffocating, I was never going to be thin; this was going to happen to me. I went home to cry and feel ashamed, and sad.

I spent hours laying on my couch determined to starve if I had to. I finally decided the one thing that I thought I would never do was the one thing I looked up, the lap band surgery. I started to research and read, and read and when I thought I had read enough, I found more articles to read some more. There was a newer technique that was more invasive than the lap band, but less invasive than gastric bypass, it was called the gastric sleeve. I read for what seemed like days, and watched YouTube video’s of people who have had the surgery. I was so intrigued, and so taken in by the whole process, that I thought to myself, I have nothing to loose, to just the information and see a doctor. I started with an email to my primary doctor, who is also my cardiologist, I have been with him for almost 20 years, and I trust him for everything. His response was very telling, I am quoting his response when I questioned, if he believed that bariatric surgery was a good option he said “it is a useful technique in the right person”. What did he mean?? Was I the right person? Was I not the right person? Did he think it was a bad idea for me? I then realized after putting together my research and his response, it’s a good idea, if you’re going to use it as a tool, and make the right choices, to maintain it.

It was that night honestly, around 3 a.m. that I decided this would probably be my only shot to loosing the weight, and that I just needed a sign that it was the right choice. The next morning I called my insurance company to ask what they required, and it was at that moment, I felt this enormous weight (not pun intended) off my shoulders. My insurance company would pay for the surgery 100% with no out of pocket, so I made an appointment with the surgeon and my decision was made, scared and afraid how will I tell my family? That was the question.